Spill

So, can i write my mind off here?

I put my facebook on hiatus-no updates, no reply, no whatsoever until further notice. It used to be a great communication tool to keep in touch and share jokes. Nonetheless, someone created some scene that made me thought- ok, this is no good. i better keep myself away from this highschool drama before i lost my cool.

I aint gonna describe of the ugly scene within the circle but enough to come up with a few lessons- for self reminder at least. Yes, i have no intention to put anyone in uncomfortable position so just listen and ponder.

1. Respect

For me, this is a big word that comes in any relationship. As simple as respecting one's privacy and personal choice can actually bring the friendship to greater length. I do not have to agree to their decision but i shall keep mum about it unless i was asked for some opinion. I know how it feel when people question my preferences regarding certain personal story so i will not act the same way to others. If it's a good news, i will be happy for her and if it's a bad one, i'll just be there if needed. No hard and fast rules about who should be included in the treaty of trust.

Respect also will explain a lot about public embarassement. Truly, if i am having some issues with friend i would most probably keep quiet or try to talk to someone i trusted. I shall not put the person into public embarassement for whatever reason. Even if i do not feel like being the bestest friend, i should not play around with their dignity while lowering down mine. Treat others as how i want to be treated.

2. Apologize

This isnt an easy thing to do so if i decided to go for it, i shall not bring up the issue. ever. again. It's funny if i have admitted my mistakes and yet i keep on acting victim. Doesnt sound right at all. So the next time i realised my bad, i should leave it behind and move forward. This makes the world a better place to live in, seriously! It irked me when people kept on bringing up the past and acted victim so i shall not torture the other with the same attitude.

3. Distance

After all being said and done, it's definitely ok for me to keep friends at arm's length. As i do not mind being excluded by some, i expect the same from the rest. Experiences thought me well on this and people should not hate or blame me for being selective. Even if they do, i have nobody to please but Allah. I shall put my self-respect and dignity forward than anything else. After all, friends come and go, only the real ones will stay.

Over the long holiday, i pondered on this issue and learnt the lesson from what happened within my environment recently. Being at the receiving end of bad anger management widen the distance so i will try my best to keep whatever angst or disagreement to minimum level. I may keep my temper and dissapointment checked most of the time but if i do, i hope i havent hurt anyone's feeling. It's not an excuse for me to lash out on other people when i can't cope with the stress cause no matter what, i will leave a scar.

So i had my reality check. Let the remaining of April be the moment of self-reflection and lesson learnt from others.

Time...

I took a glance at him on my way to accompany another unfortunate patient with haemorrhagic stroke to CT Scan.

Hmmm, looks like MVA (motorvehicle accident) with poor GCS- possible intracranial bleed .

That's my spot diagnosis towards the gentleman. So i proceed with my task. When i returned to the redzone, he's already being clerked by my fellow colleagues so i just helped around.

Blood pressure remained low side but no compensated tachycardia. FAST showed no evidence of intra-abdominal bleeding.

Finger crossed, let it just be intracranial bleed and none others. Try fluid first.

Blood pressure didnt picked up. Repeated FAST revealed free fluid over the Morrison's pouch.

Awaiting surgical review.

Let's request for portable CXR as the lungs didnt sound right. Forget about the rest of Xray and CT for now. The patient's not stable enough.

Then it happened,

SPO2 dropped. tachycardia. BP remained low despite blood transfusion. abdomen started to distend. CXR showed multiple rib fracture with flail chest and haemothorax.

Pump the blood.

Prepare the intubation.

Suction! patient's pouring out stomach's content profusely.

Find more lines. Three have been used up for blood.We need one for drugs.

PEA. Time for CPR! but the flail chest?

Insert chest tube. 250ml of blood came out.

Adrenaline.

Atropine.

30 minutes.

Aku naik saksi tiada tuhan melainkan Allah, dan Nabi Muhammad itu pesuruh Allah.

Allah.

Allah.

Allah.

Innalillah...

He was living a hard life with his family. Trying to survive with cutting grass by the roadside. That's when he was hit (and run). No family members was by his side when he met with the Death Angel.

********************************************************
So i ended my chapter in emergency department. Insya Allah, i will be back again with better experience and knowledge.

Resolutions

The words lingered, stinging everytime i thought of it. Of course it only brings back negative vibe to which i never enjoyed

So i came up with a 2 years' plan. No, i dont do sweet revenge but i am to prove my worthiness...

- Since i wont get any recommendation to stay, i'll go wherever they're going me to send me away. No point arguing with those who doesnt care.

- Apply for district hospital as soon as possible. I figured, instead of wasting time doing something i never enjoyed (that's what scapegoat does, anyway) i might as well face my fear and get away from my comfort zone. Hospital Tanah Merah would be ideal for a few reason-experience and logistic.

- Find ways to attend all those required course-PALS, BLS, ALS and another course which i forgot.

- Buy books and read up!

- Get acquinted with those who're doing Master and get to know the pathway.

- After a year, go to JKNK and demand for transfer.

- Do the ultimate step: apply for Master in Emergency Medicine.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah jalanku ini..

The End Is The Beginning..

In a few days' time, i will end my housemanship..Previously i was all excited to come up with a list on how to make it all memorable, if not durable.

But today i learnt the real truth.

No matter how good your work performance,

No matter how much you value the job for personal satisfaction,

No matter how well you answer the question during the final assessment,

No matter how earnest you feel about pursuing the specialty,

No matter how humble you walk around the rest,

No matter what..

But if you dont have pretty face with flirty appearance, you're just nothing.

You're not even welcomed nor recognised.

But as the words above mean,

This is just the beginning.

I take this as a challenge to fulfill in 5 year's time.

For i believe that my fate is not in your hand.

I forever have My LOrd with me.

Comeback

I thought i would be writing something nice and happy to make up for the infrequent update but i guess, i need to get this out of my system.

Have i been bad for keeping something to myself to avoid fitnah?

I've observed so many. I've learnt from others. I dont wanna be the topic for conversation. I dont wanna make fool of myself again.

I thought it will be better to keep mum about it until i am certain myself.

Little did i know, when i finally decided to share..it became the reason for hatred and misunderstanding.

Nevermind.

Now i know whom i can count on. Now i accept that people can treat others differently simply by superficial insight about the whole scenario.

Ok.

Hai anonymous.

I didnt realise you're here until the email notification announcing your comment. Apparently that's not the only one. You've left several more but they went unnoticed before.

You cannot possibly be one of my friends or family because they'll say their name right away, i'm sure. But you sounded like a nice person so that doesnt bother me much. Thanks for your kind words and concern though. It seemed genuine, at least.

I dont know whether we could be friend or not because i dont leave my contact number or mail around for you to contact me personally. But if you're comfortable being my far-away acquintance, it's fine by me too.

Ahah!

Maybe you can be my imaginary friend, just like when we were kids so that i could talk to you without feeling anxious over the secret being heard by others.

What do you think?

Pending

Apology.

A month went by without a word in here. I'm not mourning over the loss but rather too occupied in moving forward.

yup, just like what Dory said in Finding Nemo..

'Keep moving, keep moving..'

What did i promised for February actually?

New start isnt it. So i choose to rejoice what matters most in my life-apart from faith that is.

Family.

I had great time with them over two wedding and an engagement over CNY break. The happy faces. The silly jokes. I shall put up some photoes as proof. Later.

Ok, honestly i am losing my flow of writing here. I should practise more. I promise. After i return from my girls' trip to Terengganu.

Toodles!